Trying to Hope

This is a really difficult thing for me to post for several reasons that I won't get in to. It has been written since March and has just been sitting. It's been a bit revised, I've spared some over dramatic spills, and it has been updated. I feel like it's time to share. I'm not looking for sympathy or validation. I'm meaning to explain myself and let anyone else out there who is going through something similar that they are not alone. Please know that this is not something that is easy to share and I'm not ready for any sort of advice or solutions. We need support and encouragement and we need prayers in our behalf. I recognize the many blessings we have been given and truly hope that this doesn't sound like I'm complaining.  Here goes nothing!




February 11, 2013. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. I remember the exact moment it came. Never have I had such a strong or urgent prompting as this one. I was driving between patients, actually turning around because I missed the turn, and I had the strongest feeling that it was time to start trying to add to our family. Now, keep in mind, Sean and I had only been married for 4 months at this time, and were struggling, as many newly weds do, to adjust to a new life. I tried to suppress the feeling, but It wouldn't be squelched. I was terrified when I brought the feeling to Sean, and we spent many hours praying and pondering over the idea. When we decided to continue, I had my implanon removed in May and we started hoping. This hope was a fearful hope. I had thoughts like "are we really ready?" "How will we take care of a baby?" "Will I be a good mom?" It turns out, I didn't have to worry about the answers to those questions. Months passed, attempts failed, and I began to doubt my initial prompting. Why would the Lord tell me that it was time to start a family and then leave me childless? I still struggle to understand.


Phrases like "It took six months to get pregnant, we were worried we wouldn't be able to" make me laugh. Six months is nothing, yet I know that for some, it takes much longer than the two and a half years we have been trying. Watching others relish in the attention and excitement that surrounds pregnancy leaves me feeling jealous. After all, no one should be able to have a baby that has been trying for less time than me, right? And if you've been married for less time than me, then you'd better not even think about it! (Forget about the fact that after only 4 months I felt it was time for us to add) I apologize if this has caused me to be less than excited for people who are expecting. I am happy for you. Children are a beautiful blessingnfrom the Lord and they truly fill my heart with joy. I just wish I was you. I love holding your precious infants and playing with your babies and toddlers truly brings me joy. I don't mind crying, I don't mind diaper changing, and I don't mind being puked on.

 I DO mind that I am hyper-aware of everything that goes on in my body. Every twinge or other feeling that seems even slightly out of place (or not) sends me into this internal battle. I can convince myself that I'm pregnant almost any day of the month. I can also convince myself that I am not. I tend to flip back and forth several times on my worst nights. I know I'm never going to have children and I know that I definitely will. I know that it's worth the effort and I know that it's not worth being so physically and emotionally drained from shattered hopes and sleeplessness. I feel completely insane as I over-analyze every tiny little thought or sensation. I'm almost ready to buy myself a doll and just play house all the time, but I'm too old to be carrying a doll with me everywhere I go. It would sure be easier than this emotional rollercoaster I've been on.

Innocent, well-meaning comments from people like: "when are you going to have kids?" "Are you planning on having kids?" "Are you pregnant?" And even those like: "You have time, you don't need to have kids yet." Feel like daggers.

I watch my niece and nephews and the joy they bring to the family. I see my mom and mother in law coo over babies. I wish that I could bring them the joy of being a grandparent to my child. I wish I could give my husband the opportunity to be a father. Knowing that for all of our attempts, I have continued to be unsuccessful breaks my heart.  I feel like I'm letting so many others down, including the children who are waiting to join our family.


This is a struggle that many people don't understand. Many do, but many don't. Innocent comments sometimes hurt much more than I should allow. I long for love, support, and prayers from family members, but worry about the comments I'll receive. I couldn't handle hearing "your time will come" or "You have all the time in the world." I worry that I will be judged. Everyone has an opinion and sometimes even well meaning comments hurt more than they ought.

Last month,  Sean and I  were in a pretty scary accident.  For the first time in over two years,  I was grateful for failed attempts.  I simply could not handle the possibility of a miscarriage or early labor or even having a child in the back seat when it happened. But now, I'm more afraid than ever. Before the accident, we had just paid off our car. I was thrilled!  We had a reliable car and owned it free and clear. We were going to save that money from the car payment to help with the reality that we will probably need help getting pregnant and possibly the funds for an adoption.  I hope in the deepest place in my heart that I will have the ability to carry and deliver our children. Each month, that idea seems less realistic. Now I'm scared that I won't ever be a mom. I'm scared that when we are finally able to save enough for help, it will be too late. Here I am stressing over something that we don't know for certain we need since I have yet to seek medical advise, but the fear is real and the possibility of fertility treatments and/or adoption terrifies me.

While I have undeniably felt the comfort and peace from my Savior, and am constantly aware that he is making this burden lighter, it is still the most difficult trial I have had to go through. It has left me feeling more pain and sorrow than I have words for. I know that my burden has been eased, but it is still quite a heavy one to bear. I hope and pray that I will come out on the other side better and stronger than I am now. I pray for patience and continued hope. I pray for peace and comfort constantly. Most of all, I pray for the ability to trust the Lord and His timing. I am confident that he is mindful of my situation, and I have felt His presence. He has surrounded me with angels to lift me up on both sides of the veil.

Thoughts from Sean

This has definitely been a big challenge for me. I was always the one that thought that I was going to wait 3 or so years of marriage before wanting to have children. I thought that you need that time as a couple because you don't get that much time together until the kids are grown and off on their own. But when I received the revelation that it was time to start having kids only 4 months into our marriage I couldn't deny it if I tried. I realized how selfish my thought process was before and that by doing that I was essentially telling any of Heavenly Father's children that wanted to come to earth that they had to either wait until it was convenient for me or find another family (not that I am anti-contraception, there is a time and place for everything). So, I agreed to the decision of Manda taking out her Implanon.


My naive thought process was  that if you didn't take some form of contraception that the next day you'd be celebrating (or dreading, depending on the situation) a positive pregnancy test. I thought that only a handful of couples had problems getting pregnant and I thought that maybe that was because they didn't really try. Boy was I wrong and let me just say this now: If you are currently under the impression that those things are true then learn today from my experience, that is definitely not the case. I get that there are people out there, I can name a few off the top of my head, that seem like they were born to breed in the sense that they only have to try one maybe two times before they can get pregnant. For those people, you have no idea how incredibly blessed you are and please don't take it personally if I am extremely jealous of you and only superficially excited for you while feeling like I got punched in the pants underneath it all. I know I need to be excited for pregnancy announcements and I should be excited no matter what, but when I have been trying to achieve that for over 2 years and you get it right off the bat like it's nothing, it is hard for me to not feel like life is playing a cruel joke on me. Also, I realize that I may seem like a whiny teenager to some of you out there that have been trying for years and years and years or who know that they can never get pregnant. I don't mean to say my life is soooo hard because I cannot begin to fathom how hard that would be if only 2 years can be this hard. I am mainly just attempting to log my feelings right now and help illustrate my realization that life isn't all daisies and butterflies. (End Rant about that topic).


It has been hard for me, in my life, to have felt so strongly about having a child and then try month after month after month, pleading with the Lord and sometimes even giving up on him, with still no success. I just keep hoping every month that I will here that long awaited "I'm pregnant!" from Manda and then it never comes. Instead I am left to pick up the pieces wrought by disappointment and grief; trying to keep it together for myself as well as staying strong for my wife. If we both give up then we have truly lost. So, I have to stay strong and positive even though inside I don't always believe it. It has affected me in so many different ways. At times it is hard to stay motivated to do well in school. I already hate being in college as it is and at times it seems pointless without a child to provide for. Anyways, needless to say, it is hard for me like it is for Amanda, maybe not in the same way, but it definitely is hard. And seeing how hard it is for her only makes it even harder for me, I can't stand to see that girl hurt and not be able to do anything about it, it kills me inside.