Changing Priorities

It has been three years! A LOT has happened! Three years ago, we held a bake sale/ yard sale to raise money for fertility treatments. At that sale, we raised over $1000. At the time, we were anticipating participating in an IVF study. The study closed days before we were ready to begin, and we were devastated. Our wonderful fertility clinic allowed us to do an IVF cycle for half price because of the unexpected closure.

We were finally set to start the process on December 28, 2016. About a week before, the fertility clinic called and pushed it back to the 31st. I was SO mad. We had been waiting for what seemed like forever. How dare they make us wait 3 more days?!? Had I known at the time why it was in the Lord's plans for us, I may have done things a lot differently, but I definitely can't change it now. December 28th was a day that changed my entire perspective on life. My father called me at work with the news that my sweet brother, at only 20 years old, had lost his battle with mental illness. Had we started our cycle as planned, I might not have been able to handle it. Those extra 3 days allowed me to grieve and know that all the emotions I was feeling were entirely my own. Not tainted by foreign hormones.  There are so many things I'd like to say about mental illness and the experience of losing Victor, but this isn't the time.

Our IVF cycle resulted in 2 great embryos. We transferred both on January 18, 2017 and tested positive at home on January 23rd, 2017. on January 24th, we flew to New York with my grandmother. We visited my aunt and uncle and they so graciously let us borrow their car to go to The Sacred Grove,  Palmyra, Hill Cumorah, Susquehanna river, and Niagara Falls. It was a wonderful trip, and we especially loved having that little secret. When we flew home on the 29th and told our families, planning to announce to Alison at the airport when she returned home from serving her mission. It was so great!

We had our first ultrasound at 7 weeks, and it was so amazing to see that little heartbeat! I asked if they were sure there was just one (I thought I saw a second) and they assured me that yes, we had one baby. It didn't quite feel right to me, but we were so over the moon excited. It hardly mattered. at our 9 week ultrasound, we immediately saw 2 babies. 2 wonderful heartbeats and 2 healthy babies.

In April, we learned that our babies to be were (are?) boys.  We, and so many others, were so sure at least one was a girl, but we fell in love anyways.  September 25, 2017 at 38 weeks 3 days gestation, we welcomed two perfect baby boys into our family. Blake Edwin Carter was born at 13:01 6 lbs 1 oz 18". Emmett Allen Carter came at 13:03 6 lbs 5 oz 20" long.  They have brought so much joy to our lives!

Two years have passed. TWO! we have TWO toddlers! We love them so much and they continuously bring joy to so many. They talk and sing and run and climb. They constantly ask for "Fruik Snacks," cheese, applesauce, peanut butter, milk, fishies, and all the unhealthy foods. Emmett LOVES fruit and has recently learned to peel his own "onges" . . .oranges.

My point of this post is to say that priorities have changed. They've changed drastically. As a mom to two high-energy toddler boys, I struggle to find the balance I need between social media and my family. We love sharing our lives with family and friends and value being included as they share theirs. That said, I need to move my sharing over to this blog. I spend far too much time scrolling mindlessly through Facebook. I've noticed lately that much of what I see is not important, and is actually not even related to my family and friends. I need to take that wasted time and energy and move it over to taking care of my family and our home.

I don't plan on deleting my account right away, but I do plan to deactivate the app on my phone and therefore won't likely be responding to much through that platform. I apologize in advance for not being up to date on your goings on. We can always be reached via phone, email, and messenger, so if there's something you'd like to share please do! Look forward to more posts on this blog, including pictures (when I get to the other computer where all our pictures are). This is where you'll see what we're up to.

The Next Steps

I know I'm not good at updating people. Lets just say that hormones plus the stresses of normal life are just a lot. Sean and I did our first round of IUI in May. Learning about all that was involved was a lot to take in, but we survived. We were hopeful, but got a negative result on test day. We repeated the process 2 more times with no success and recently met with our fertility Dr. to go over our options and make adjustments to our plan. And let me tell you, that did NOT go as I planned. I expected a medication change, maybe some injections added, but that's not what we left the office with. It was, in fact much different that I planned.

Our Dr. told us about an IVF study going on that we most likely qualify for. There are a couple more blood tests to make sure, but the odds are in our favor. If we participate in the study, we basically just go through an IVF cycle with the researchers giving me one of 2 commonly used medications to stimulate follicle growth. (the study is to determine which of the two is better, though they are both used very commonly in IVF and both are effective.)

If you aren't familiar with fertility, let me give you a brief overview of the difference between IUI and IVF.

An IUI (Intrauterine insemination) cycle is pretty simple. There's a baseline ultrasound at the start of your cycle, then you take some clomid or Femera to encourage your eggs to mature. You have another ultrasound or two to measure your follicles and when they're the right size, you give yourself an HCG trigger shot and then go in 24-36 hours later and they place the sperm directly into your uterus. Then you wait 2 weeks and get a blood draw to see if it worked. There's still quite a bit of chance with this method, our odds were 20-25% per cycle. The cost is dependent on what exactly you need, but we have spend about $1500/attempt all in.

An IVF cycle is a bit more complicated. You start the cycle the same, with a baseline ultrasound, and then, if you get the go ahead, you give yourself injections every day for 2+ weeks. The goal here is to get your ovaries to mature as many eggs as possible before you ovulate. There are frequent ultrasounds and blood tests involved, and quite a few more office visits. When the follicles are big enough, they have you trigger with the HCG. Then you go in and they retrieve as many eggs as they can. The number they get depends on your body and how it responds to the crazy hormones they put you on. They then fertilize the eggs with sperm. Some will most likely fail to fertilize, and some won't grow as well as others. A few days later you end up with however many embryos and then they place the embryo into your uterus and hope it implants and continues to grow. Any remaining embryos are frozen and used for future cycles (or you can adopt the embryos out... There are options....) Then it's the same blood test to see if you were successful and as many more hormones as they feel necessary until they decide you're done. The odds we were given for this method is 70% per cycle and the same with any frozen cycles we do. The first IVF cycle generally runs $12,000 all in. This is repeated if you have no frozen embryos but if you do end up with frozen embryos the transfer and all ends up being about $3,000/attempt all in and the odds we were given for the frozen cycles is also close to 70%

Keep in mind that every body is different and will respond differently, so individual odds can vary.


Anyways, back to the study....If we qualify for the IVF study, our first IVF cycle will cost us nothing. The pre qualifying tests will be our responsibility, but if we are accepted into the study ALL of the medication and ALL of the procedures are covered by the company doing the study. This means, at the end of this we could walk away with frozen embryos. We will find out within the next month or so if we are accepted and we'll go from there. It's just crazy for me to think that we could be going this route. Mostly because we could still reasonably attempt a few more IUI cycles which are less invasive and a lot less expensive. I'm not going to lie, I'm kinda terrified. I'm not looking forward to the extreme hormones, (or keeping my stress and anxiety under control). I'm not excited about the shots or the uncomfortable procedures that lie ahead. I do feel very blessed to even have this as an option. If we qualify, the financial burden is significantly decreased. We feel like it's a good step for us and pending those few tests, and acceptance, we will be going forward with it. I'm just scared.






I want to take a moment and thank all of those who have offered unwavering support to Sean and I. We have been blessed to have the ability to talk to family members and friends about their experiences and have learned a lot. We have received more support and prayers than we can count and we are just so very grateful. I wish I had the time to sit down and thank each and every one of you, but there just aren't enough hours in the day. Thank you. We love you , and we hope you know that if you ever need to talk, or need support, we are here an willing to listen and share our experiences. If you have a question, don't be afraid to ask. If we don't feel like we are ready to share something or have decided as a couple not to, we'll tell you.

Here We Go. . . .

I know it’s been a while since I updated everyone on what’s going on. I’m not so good at taking the time to update. And though I don’t go into detail on this blog, I am always willing to consider answering questions individually. Some things I don’t feel the need to share publicly. I come to understand the struggle of infertility a little more every day and I know how much it can help knowing you’re not alone. Please, feel free to talk to me and ask questions about this journey.

Sean and I have completed diagnostic testing and are aware of the major hurdle to starting our family. 1 month shy of 3 years of trying to start a family and we just now have some definite answers. A big part of me is glad to know, but another part of me is terrified at what knowing means. Now, we have decisions to make, final decisions that will determine the structure of our family. This is big. At least, it is to me.

We have chosen a treatment plan, and are working to implement the plan. It’s as exciting as it is terrifying. For 3 years, I’ve been praying, hoping and wishing that we had a third member of our little family. I’ve learned how to handle the questions from onlookers, I know how to answer “do you have any kids?” without getting upset. I know how to enjoy children around me while still aching for my own. And I know what it’s like to live a life with me and my wonderful husband without children. Somehow, though I’ve been praying for children to enter our life, it terrifies me to the core that this could actually happen. This could be it. We could be months away from a pregnancy. I don’t know how to do happy and excited. I don’t know how to go from a family of 2 to a family of 3. I don’t know how to handle giving up my independence to be a mother. I was ready 3 years ago, but the longer I’ve waited, the more terrifying the prospect has become. I don’t know how to rearrange my life, my schedule, and my moods to fit a tiny human in.

I’m sorry if this post is a little (or a lot) disorganized. I’ll end my emotional outburst here.

Onto other news. Sean and I moved in with Mom and Dad C. about a month ago. We looked at finances, and looked at the options that were possible and we determined that in order to move forward in the time frame that we felt was right, we needed to be saving a lot more money than we were able to paying rent.

Let’s rewind a bit. Sometime last fall, after I had voiced frustration over the costs of our impending journey, I received a call that reaffirmed my faith in the Lord’s knowledge of me, my needs, my desires, and His concern for my feelings.  In that phone call from a mother-in-law who understands my need to be independent and knows that I’m proud, I was offered support in multiple ways. I am so grateful that she didn’t push. She graciously offered what she could, and left it entirely up to me to decide if I wanted to accept the help. I thought and prayed for a way to fund this effort while still upholding my pride and integrity and without asking for handouts. It took me several months before seriously discussing with Sean the option of moving in with his parents. And of course, because of my pride, it took me even longer to admit to myself that it was what the Lord planned for us to do. So after a lot of kicking and screaming (not quite literally) and a month and a half of preparing to move (all while not so secretly hoping for some sort of miracle that would allow us to stay where we were and still be able to add to our family without accruing significant debt) we moved into our new home.

Please don’t misunderstand. Mom and Dad C. are amazing individuals and I am forever grateful for all of the support we have been offered. I love them and am so blessed to have them both in my life. They are both exceptionally understanding of my flaws and I never feel like a burden to them. I just really like to say: “Look at how hard I worked! I did it myself!” and I can’t really do that when living in the basement of my in-laws’ house. Yes, I’m still working hard, and I still have accomplishments, but knowing that I have the means to support myself and admitting that the funds spent on housing need to be distributed to other areas is really really hard (but not as hard as asking for money. That would be MUCH more difficult)

Fast Forward again to today (I told you it was poorly organized). Sean and I have made some incredibly difficult decisions over the last several weeks. Decisions that no one ever imagines having to make. (No one really plans to struggle with fertility though, do they?) Decisions that will stay with us forever and will have a huge impact on our future. These decisions have been made, we feel confident in our decisions and are continually able to see the hand of the Lord in this journey. Little things like: “here Amanda, here’s that job you’ve wanted for so long. But wait! There’s more! Not only do you get to sleep at normal times, but you will also have great insurance that covers half of the cost of the fertility treatment you will need.” See Blessings all around! I’m at a job where I am a person and am able to take off time for an appointment and a job where my superiors genuinely care about me and what’s going on in my life. So great!

 Anyways, I’m out of things to say, but please feel free to talk to me if you need a listening ear or if you have more questions.

Thank you for all of the support. We really truly appreciate it. 

More than we Bargained For

Sean and I had our first appointment at the fertility clinic last month, and a follow up with a specialist this past week.  With answers also came big decisions. Our options are as follows, listed by price:

1. Adoption- legal and adoption fees add up quickly.  Not to mention the selectivity of birth parents and fewer babies being placed. As stigmas change,  more single moms elect to keep their baby rather than place them up for adoption. The number of people wanting to adopt has also increased.

2. A surgery followed by IVF totalling $22600+/-. This leaves us with about a 66% chance of  being able to have children who are biologically tied to both Sean and I. When you consider that it is possible that the first round of ivf may not work and that there's  an added 34% of failure,  well,  you can add at least $12000/try. Can you  imagine how quickly that might add up?

3. We could adopt half a baby. . .(buying sounds so much worse) and use that half combined with the half that Sean and I have to give. This will cost around $2500/ try.  We are still not guaranteed to come out of that with a pregnancy.

4. We can hope that we are one of the "up to 10%" that will be able to successfully conceive on our own after at least 4 months of the current  treatment, possibly requiring more long-term treatment of our condition. This will cost around $100/month


Maybe you realized that I wasn't too specific,  and there's a reason for that.  I firmly believe that this struggle and the problems we are facing were intended for both of us to  navigate through together.  It doesn't matter what the issue is. We are both affected by the implications and we are both going to be affected by the decision we make.  And not just for a few months or years, but for the rest of our lives.

So if you haven't guessed,  my first choice would be to be one of the "up to 10%." The chances of that are, well,  you guessed it. Up to 10%. We can be that miracle though. Right? We can beat the odds?  As much as I'm hoping for that, I'm so aware that it might not end up like that.  So, now we're left to a Decision. How much time do we spend before we move on from this treatment and go down a different road? And when we get there,  which one do we choose? Do we gamble away $22600 that we don't have or do we take a less expensive route? We're counting on a miracle no matter what path we take.

I just have one question for now: When did I get old enough to have to make such difficult decisions?

Ornaments, Expectations, and Disappointments

Last year, while out for a girls night with a friend, we passed an ornament stand. It was just after Christmas, so the ornaments were on clearance. I found one that I loved, and after a long internal debate, decided to purchase it. I was desperately hoping that it would bring a good omen or whatever and that I'd be able to hang it on our tree this year. Unfortunately that is not going to happen. This ornament has hung in our room all year. It was meant to keep me hopeful.

Last year, I had a lot of "Next year we'll be ___________ with our own baby!" I was sure I would be waddling around at yellowstone because I was pregnant. I consistently calculated possible due dates and planned how and when to let family know. I was going to dress our baby up for halloween and take her trick or treating. I was going to be buying christmas presents and celebrating the holidays in an entirely new way. Sean was going to be there all along the way with a proud smile on his face. As the key dates have come and gone, I have simply pushed my schedule back. Maybe baby won't be here for halloween, but we'll definitely have her for Thanksgiving. Well, I guess not Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas? No? Then Easter. Okay, that didn't work out either. Next Mother's Day for sure. Father's Day? 4th of July? Sean's next birthday? Next Thanksgiving?  You get the point.

Last year when I bought that ornament I was sure we'd be putting it on our tree. Last year, I was sure our struggle would be over. I was sure that I was just overthinking things. I was sure that I just needed to track better, or do something differently. Now that this year is here, I'm not sure about anything. I'm not sure that we'll ever be able to use the ornament. I'm not sure that I'll ever experience pregnancy. I'm not sure that we will be able to afford any of this. More than that, I'm not sure I can handle the emotional roller coaster.

The month that has passed between getting our results and now has felt like an eternity. Our follow up appointment is in a week and the wait is excruciating. Everything is so up in the air. We have no idea what our next steps will be. We definitely don't know a practical timeline. It's just really hard. What will the costs be? What insurance plan should we choose? Last year, none of this fit into my plans. This year, it will have to.

Facing the Facts

As some of you have probably noticed, this past week has been extremely difficult. We received results from our first fertility test. We did this test twice because the first time around, results were inconclusive. I'm not going to go into detail about the test itself, that's something that Sean and I both have to feel comfortable disclosing and we aren't there yet. I do however want to talk about how this has affected me.

On one hand, I'm relieved to have some sort of idea as to what's going on. We at least know a little bit about what we have to deal with going forward. On the other hand, seeing the results and knowing that we will need some level of intervention is heart breaking. With the results comes the possibility that we will not be able to have children who share DNA with both if us. Further testing will be necessary before we know exactly what our options are. That scares me. I have cried more in the past week than I have in a very long time. I have also grown to admire and love my amazing husband more than I thought possible. I feel so blessed to have his love and support through this journey. We have a long road ahead of us, and he has stepped up to do a lot of research on his own. We have family and friends who have been able to share experiences they have had and feel extremely blessed. We know that our family will grow. We don't know how or when yet, but we are grateful to be headed in the right direction.

As we make some scary decisions over the next several months or more, we would appreciate the thoughts and prayers of all who are willing to send them our way. We know that our Father in Heaven has a plan for us. We know that He is mindful of our situation and we are confident that the Savior will walk with us through this time. There are spirit children of our Father in Heaven who have been set aside to come into our family. We need the help of the Lord to figure out what channels we need to go through.

Too Much Time

Before you get all worked up about how much free time I must have, let me clarify. I really dont have much. . . Okay, I keep myself quite busy. Sometimes too busy. Between the classes I'm taking (trust me, it's not easy to just start classes up out of the blue. Especially when you can't juggle what's already going on.) And working full time,  babysitting on the side, I don't even have a consistent sleep schedule.

These days, I try to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to be sad. Truth be told, I really don't like feeling this hole in my heart.  Surprised? You shouldn't be. When I'm not working, I'm babysitting, or cleaning,  or having a meltdown because I don't balance everything as beautifully as I'd like. Sean puts up with a lot of emotional outbursts from me. These emotional outbursts result in super healthy dinners (I'm talking pizza and taco bell. . . Sometimes cookies), impulse buying,  and either obsessive cleaning or cleaning strikes. Seriously, I don't know how Sean handles it, but he's there through it all only occasionally saying something unintentionally rude that makes me burst into laughing fits. . . He intends for them to be compliments, but well, sometimes they come out wrong, and he tries to fix it but makes it sound worse. He makes me laugh and I love him all the more for it.

So really my free time is not even a thing. Seriously. And on the rare occasions when it does exist, I go insane because I don't know how to handle it.

Unfortunately, though I barely get enough sleep, I still find myself with too much time to think. I sit at work all night and my mind takes on a life of its own.  I try to use distractions (I flossed my teeth for 3 hours tonight while obsessively searching facebook and pinterest) I struggle to focus on anything. I can't read, I can't carry on a conversation, I can't even budget. These are all typical things for me to occupy my time while sitting at work.  On nights like tonight,  these methods fail to keep my mind off of the most overwhelming and debilitating struggle I have ever faced. Nights like tonight I find myself with too many reminders of what I don't have.  I think too much about what I so desperately want, and struggle to find the bright spots. And then I wonder why I ever decided that this would be a good decision for me. Who in their right mind decided that it would be great if I could just work while normal people sleep, and then not sleep so I can be superhuman and make it to every teeny tiny event and respond to every plea for help. We all know how this turns out: sleeping instead of going to church,  having meltdowns because I'm so tired and so overwhelmed that I can hardly function yet I still feel guilty for choosing sleep over anything, we won't talk about how wacky my eating schedule is.

Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a tiny bit, but my point is I made this decision and now I'm paying for it. Why not just switch shifts? Well, the difference in pay is the equivalent to an entire days pay. And quite frankly,  I cant afford to lose it (remember impulse buying and school). So, I'm left to dwell on my heartache. I get to think about how difficult work schedules make the rest of life. How I can't do everything.  How I can't seem to land a job that's more in line with my dreams. It's all so frustrating. If I could find  a corner and just hide, I probably would.