What it took to get the Real Me Back

Before I start, I just want to say that this isn't an easy story to share. I have thought long and hard about whether or not I should share this story with the world, and have come to the conclusion that it needs to be shared. Maybe there's someone who needs to hear it. Please know that I am not looking for any attention and I'm not looking for sympathy. I have tried to remove names for privacy and have also withheld some specifics as I don't feel like they should be shared. Be prepared for a long post, and just know that you are now traveling into my extremely complicated mind.


I believe the first time I realized it was Thanksgiving of 2009. I was 19.  All of my Dad's brothers along with their families were at my parents house for Thanksgiving Dinner. My brothers and sisters, along with my 10-month-old nephew, were there as well. It was a normal family gathering. There were lots of jokes and tons of delicious food. Everyone was having a great time! There I was, sitting in the living room all alone, listening to everyone laughing and talking in the kitchen. I felt so lonely and hopeless, and I was confident that no one would notice my absence. I wasn't important, no one would miss me. Now, this wasn't the first time I'd had a feeling like this. I'd felt this way many times before. After a while, my sister came in with my nephew. I remember watching him drive a toy car across the coffee table. I marveled at how smart he was. How could a boy, that small, know what to do with a toy car? I should have been grinning. I should have been savoring the moment, but I wasn't Instead, I felt like crying. I felt completely miserable. It didn't make any sense. There was absolutely no reason for me to feel like that. After all of the guests went home, I found myself still sitting in the same spot. The house was quiet now. Then, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks: it was depression. There was absolutely no other explanation I could come up with. I decided to ask my dad for a priesthood blessing, and he obliged. The blessing wasn't long, but it brought me comfort.


I continued to struggle as the months went on. In March of 2010, I was going through a particularly rough patch. I called my best friend and we decided to take a last minute spring-break trip. All I needed was a good vacation. I called my Aunt who lived in Oregon and it was set. My best friend, her roommate, and I would all drive to Oregon and stay with my aunt. We had a lot of fun, and were able to do a lot of things, but I found myself still struggling. I was ornery for most of the trip, and I felt badly that I wasn't able to be a better friend.


The rest of 2010 flew by so quickly! I remember feeling like I was sinking. My three best friends all got married that year and I was in all three weddings. I've never been a big fan of weddings, and here I was helping my best friends leave me for good. That's what I thought, anyways. One was even moving out of state.  I was heartbroken. I was losing my best friends to men I barely knew, an I was nowhere near getting married. ( I know, I sound whiny.) My niece was born in October, and her outgoing high-energy personality was apparent from the start.


2011 wasn't very exciting. Towards the end of the year, I began going country swing dancing with a friend. We would go regularly. Once, I even went by myself. Just to get out of the house.


January 5, 2012, we found out that my mom ha thyroid cancer. I took it pretty hard. I quickly learned that of all the cancers anyone could get, this was one of the easiest to treat, but that word scared me. I decided that I needed to stay home with my family this time, and quickly cancelled my country dancing plans. When I told my dad, he looked at me like I was ridiculous and told me I was going. Looking back, I am extremely glad that my dad made me go. Who would have guessed that going dancing that night would change my life forever? While I was trying to avoid a guy who was following me around and in whom I had absolutely no interest, Sean almost ran into me. Feeling bad, and also slightly interested, Sean asked me to dance. We talked the entire song and well into the next before we exchanged numbers. As my friend an I walked to the car that night, I was elated! I am sure I was positively annoying, and went over all of the "what ifs."  I laughed about him being the man I married, thinking it would be funny to marry someone with the same name as my sister's husband.


Five days later (yes, I said FIVE), Sean FINALLY texted me. After waiting FIVE days for this guy to acknowledge that he had gotten my phone number and actually making contact, I got something like "Hey, this is Sean Carter. How are you?" I have to admit, even though I publicly ranted about how rude it was to get a girls number and then never call, I was very excited to get that message. He then called to ask me on a date (okay, that deserves a point). I later found out that the reason he had waited so long was that he was trying to find a friend to go on a double date with us. Since I only had one free night a week between work and school, I couldn't go on the day he had arranged. I agreed to go on a date with just him, obviously risking my life by possibly going on a date with a psychopath.  That date was the best first date I've ever been on, and as cheesy and ridiculous as it sounds, I knew then that this would be the man I married.


Our relationship moved forward and the euphoria quickly wore off. I began to sink again. This time, I wouldn't stop sinking. I started feeling miserable, still knowing that Sean was the one. I tried to push him away, and I'm still amazed that it didn't work. I'm glad it didn't. I was convinced that I didn't deserve to be happy, and there are times when I was flat out unreasonable and rude.



 We were engaged on May 23, 2012 and married on October 5, 2012. Some would say that's fast, but when you know, you know! Married life brought on a whole new set of struggles. We lived in my grandma's basement which served as a major blessing, but didn't help my mood. My mood got increasingly worse and my temper started to come out. Again, I am amazed that Sean stuck by me through it all. He really deserved better that I was at that time. Nevertheless, I continued in a downward spiral. Learning how to be married and how to live with someone is hard work. Having bad days became my new normal. I began isolating myself. I stopped making plans with friends, and I didn't do much besides go to work and school. I even struggled on graduation day. After we came home from the ceremony, I retreated into my room feeling miserable and lonely. I cried, and I refused to go out with Sean to celebrate. One of my best friends stopped by with a gift and a card that reminded me of previous years. She couldn't stay long, and I felt like a slob, but I needed her to come.


October of 2013 moved out on our own. I was sure that the abundance of natural light in our new apartment was all I needed and that everything would be great now. The natural light was great, but it wasn't the kicker. I got even more depressed. I rarely made an effort to get out of the house and even turned down invites to parties and other fun things. I just wanted to be alone. I would curl up in my bed or on a chair and I would stare off into space. I was numb. I couldn't feel happy anymore. I didn't enjoy anything. Life was just getting harder. Occasionally I would cry over absolutely nothing, and the littlest things would annoy me. I continued to push away and began to be angry with God for letting me feel this way.


July of 2013, My oldest sister asked me if I would run a half marathon with her in October. I agreed. After all, we had almost four months to prepare, I could do it! I figured that the push to exercise consistently would boost me out of this hole I was in. Three months in, I was still feeling absolutely miserable and I couldn't even remember being happy. I wasn't enjoying little moments with my family. I was increasingly unreasonable, and I'm still humbled to know that Sean put up with me for so long. I was tired of  trying to put on a face. I was tired of pretending to be happy. It's so hard! I'm positive that I wasn't very effective at hiding my feelings, but I didn't want to admit that I felt broken. Finally, I decided that I truly couldn't handle it anymore. My days off would be spent in bed. I didn't shower unless I absolutely had to and I didn't get dressed except to go to work and to do family things.


After talking it over with a close friend, and my sister, I decided that I needed to get help. I didn't want to be broken, and I didn't want to admit defeat. There's no way medication could ever make a difference, but I went to the Dr. anyways. Of course, the doctor prescribed me some medication. I was skeptical, at best, but took the medication anyways. After all, I was desperate. Much to my surprise, the medication kicked in, and much more quickly than I thought it would. I was wary to say that my mood was really improving, but after a couple weeks went by, I realized that I'd only had one bad day since I had gotten help. My bad day was nowhere near as low as my worst. I started to feel happy. I began to enjoy little things again. My relationship with Sean has grown stronger, and we are both happier. In fact, we haven't even really argued. It has been absolutely wonderful! I wish I had gotten help sooner. I still don't have everything I want in life, and things aren't perfect, but I'm happy. Stress isn't nearly as hard to handle as it was only two short months ago. Hopefully medication will just be temporary. I didn't know that depression could go into remission, but it can! Hopefully mine will, but for now, I'm happy to take my medication. People have noticed a difference! I have noticed a difference. A HUGE difference. I feel like an entirely different person. I feel motivated to be my best, I don't get discouraged as easily, and absolutely love my life. Just today, I was able to enjoy my niece and nephew. I laughed with them and I wasn't pretending! When I'm not bogged down with depression, I feel more confident. I don't feel like I'm constantly being analyzed by everyone around me! (Seriously, I got to the point where I was sure everyone noticed everything about me, and none of it was good. I was even more confident that everyone talked about me and everyone disapproved of me. Not a fun way to live. You miss out on a lot) I am finally able to relax and be myself. I'm able to enjoy life.


Now, I didn't write this post to advocate for medication, I definitely don't think it's the answer for everyone. I didn't write to gain sympathy or attention. I wrote my story so that someone who's going through what I did can know that there is a hope. You can feel normal again. Struggling with depression is just as real as struggling with a broken bone. When you struggle with depression, you can't just decide to be happy. You can't just decide to have a good day. The chemicals in your brain are not right. It's like telling someone who has a cold to stop their nose from running. They can't! My brain was broken. Medication is helping it to heal.


I also want to point out that my depression didn't come all at once. It slowly and progressively got worse over many years. I can't imagine where I'd be in another five years if I hadn't gotten help. Depression is real! Please, if you are struggling, get help! You can't fix it on your own. You need someone on the outside to help.


I want to apologize to anyone who I offended. I'm not self-centered. I'm not stuck up. I am shy, but not nearly as bad as I was. I am positive that there are people whom I treated poorly and didn't realize. I am sorry. I haven't been myself. Please forgive me. The good thing is, the real me is back.